Always Putting Others First? 5 Essential Practices to Break Free from the People-Pleasing Pattern and Express Yourself Authentically/ Tzuyin (Amber) Wu
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- 16小时前
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Tzuyin (Amber) Wu
Are You Saying "Yes" Too Often?
Have you ever found yourself in these situations?
A friend invites you to dinner, and even though you're exhausted, you say, "Sure!"
A coworker asks for help, and despite your heavy workload, you reply, "No problem!"
A family member requests something from you, and even though you feel reluctant, you say, "Alright, I'll do it!"
As a result, everyone sees you as easygoing and agreeable, but deep inside, you feel drained. Sometimes, you even feel resentful: "Why am I always the one accommodating others?"
If this resonates with you, you may have people-pleasing tendencies. Today, let’s explore why some people are more prone to people-pleasing and how to express your feelings appropriately so you no longer feel suffocated by this pattern.
Why Do We Tend to Please Others?
Pleasing others is actually a social interaction strategy, sometimes even a survival mechanism. When we want to maintain important relationships and avoid conflict, compliance might seem like the easiest way to achieve peace.
Over time, when we use compliance to avoid conflicts and sustain relationships, our brain and nervous system register “pleasing” as the safest response, making us repeat it unconsciously. This pattern may stem from:
Influence of Life Experiences
If you were taught as a child to "be good and obedient" or "don’t make others upset," you may have developed the habit of prioritizing others’ needs over your own, fearing that saying "no" could damage relationships.
Fear of Conflict and the Need for Harmony
Some people are naturally sensitive and dislike tension or arguments. To maintain harmony, they choose to accommodate others. However, constantly doing so can lead to emotional neglect. When others never truly understand your feelings, relationships may appear harmonious but lack real intimacy.
Low Self-Worth
If we feel "not good enough" or "inadequate," we may seek validation by pleasing others, fearing that expressing our true thoughts might lead to rejection or disapproval.
Excessive Empathy
Empathy is valuable, but if we always put others' needs first, we may gradually lose touch with our own feelings. Over time, suppressing and ignoring our own needs can take a toll on our emotional and mental health.
5 practices to stop people pleasing pattern
How to Break Free from People-Pleasing?
5 Practices to Build Confidence and Set Boundaries
Pleasing others isn’t inherently bad, but we must learn to respect our own feelings while respecting others. So, how can we gradually step out of the people-pleasing pattern? Here are 5 helpful methods:
1. Learn to Say No Gracefully
You don’t need to outright say "No." Instead, try responses that feel more natural to you, such as:
✅ "Thank you for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to help this time." ✅ "I need some time to think about this; I’ll get back to you later."
This way, you respect the other person while maintaining your own boundaries.
2. Ask Yourself: 'Is This Really What I Want?'
The next time someone asks you for a favor, before instinctively saying yes, take a deep breath for 3 seconds and ask yourself, "Is this really what I want?"
This small step helps you start setting boundaries. If you feel hesitant inside, it may indicate the request exceeds your limits.
3. Don’t Feel Guilty for Saying No
Rejecting a request is not damaging to a relationship, nor does it mean you’re not good enough. Instead, it means you are respecting your own needs. Remind yourself: "I have the right to say no. Taking care of myself is not selfish."
4. Recognize Your Own Feelings
Take a few minutes at the end of each day to ask yourself: "Am I happy today? Do I feel uncomfortable about anything?"
When you become aware of your inner world, you are less likely to be swayed by others’ needs.
5. Practice Expressing Your Feelings
If you’re used to suppressing your needs, start with small steps in daily situations, using sentences such as:
✅ "I’m feeling a bit tired today; I’d like to rest for a while." ✅ "This situation makes me uncomfortable. I want to sort out my thoughts before deciding what to do."
Practicing self-expression first in private, then gradually with others, can help you break free from long-standing people-pleasing patterns. It also fosters deeper, more genuine communication.
Be a Self-Pleaser, Not a People-Pleaser
Most people realize they have a people-pleasing problem when they feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and unsupported. In moments like these, I want to remind you: Your feelings and needs matter, too.
Setting boundaries and expressing your needs can make you feel more at ease in relationships and earn genuine respect from others.
Starting next time, when someone makes a request to you, pause for 3 seconds and ask yourself: "Is this what I really want?"
Every choice you make is a step toward valuing yourself and treating yourself with kindness and self-respect.
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